ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 2, 2009
It was on this day two years ago, that my youngest child went under the knife. Laurel, now two, had open heart surgery to correct a heart defect that she was born with called Tetralogy of Fallot.
The second that she was rolled into surgery, I felt as if my own heart was ripped out of my body. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t imagine my life without this four month old being who I had become so connected with. I would have given her my heart in a second if it would have made a difference.
There was not enough Valium, Xanax or anything else that my doctor’s tried to give me that could prepare me for the actual day of surgery. I am a fairly optimistic person. I pride myself on being able to see the bright side of most situations.
On this day, two years ago, there was no bright side. No silver lining. No sun. No new day. There was nothing. I was trapped in time for several hours where all I could hear were my own negative thoughts. Where I could only relive my own worst fears over and over and over.
This is the first anniversary of Laurel's heart surgery in 2008.
I felt feel responsible for her heart defect. I always have. I cannot help but think that if I had done something different during my pregnancy, anything different, that my daughter would have been born without this hole in her heart. Without this defect that put her under the knife and at risk to lose her life. I could be responsible for the death of my beautiful child.
Guilt is a horrible, mind numbing, time consuming thing that can take over your life. I know because it happened to me.
My daughter came out of surgery and did very well. She ended up not eating so I spent three weeks in the hospital with her after that but that was a minor setback in the whole scheme of things.
But it was the day after my daughter’s surgery that I made a promise to myself. Rather than focus on the surgery itself, I would revel in the day. This was the day that changed her life. The day where she no longer had to be hooked up to machines 24/7 at our house. The day where she became free. I became free as much as I could from the guilt.
Every year on the date of her surgery we celebrate. We celebrate the strength of this beautiful little girl. We celebrate the amazing doctors and nurses who we could NEVER EVER thank enough. We celebrate our complete family and we celebrate each other.
So happy heart day everyone! This is a big day for us. Our entire family.
This year we celebrated by making a cookie cake.
Laurel had to pose after she heard the camera come out.
Mommy Felt Better After She Made Everyone Put on Their Cooking Aprons
The Finished Product. Frosted Cookie Cake Complete Topped With Heart Cookies. Corny? Yes But It Gave The Kids A Chance To Put Sprinkles On Something!
Laurel Had to Strip Down After Her Second Piece of Cookie Cake. She Loves Cookies or "Coo Coo's as She Calls Cookies."
I wrote this post on August 2nd which was the actual day of the celebration and for some reason it stayed as a draft. I am not sure why but I still wanted to share our wonderful day and the reason we celebrate.
About Stacie
It is amazing how so much changes. I am glad she is doing well.
I can not even begin to image the horror and pain you went through that aweful day. I am glad everything turned out good.
God is truly great! I pray that you have many many healthy years with your little one. She is beautiful.
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I teared up reading this. How hard on you and her…but how wonderful she is doing well. Look at that cute face! What a cute cake….made with love.
Your story is so heartbreaking! I teared up reading and was so happy to find she survived and is a normal happy kid now! Watching your kids go thru any surgery is hard for any parent to do.
Your daughter has 2 special days to celebrate, the day she was born and the day she became free!
Happy Heart Day (even if it’s late)!
she looks so fragile! it really is heartbreaking to see your own child suffering. i’m glad she’s ok now! i’m happy for you!
Wow, this just took my breath away. I don’t know that I could ever go through a day like that in my child’s life…I can only begin to imagine how hard that was for you.
But you do have so much to celebrate, she’s absolutely beautiful!
Every day is a Happy Heart Day
Happy Heart Day, Laurel.
This goes to show how different we are as mothers.
I admire you for being able to write about this on your blog. I can’t do it. Yes I can agree with you that it was a worrysome experience when our Elisabet hade open-heart surgery when she was one week old. And the first three or four months of her life were not at all the delight I had imagined it would be when I was expecting her. But I cannot bring myself to write about it on any of my three blogs. It is only when I read something that other mothers write about their heart-children that I sometimes leave a comment.
I felt numb when she was in the operation room. And I wept openly tears when we met other parents and heard about children who had much worse conditons than our Elisabet, who “only” had a narrowing of the pulminary valv. So far, it seems to have only required one operation. But since she was only a week old and her heart was the size of a plum, it required open-heart surgery.
What I am trying to say is that you have a lot of courage to celebrate her operation. I think about Elisabet’s heart all the time, but I very seldom speak about it. And she was too little for her to remember it the way we do.
I can well understand why this post remained a draft! It is not easy stuff to write about! There was a counselor at the hospital who encouraged me to write about Elisabet while I was there with her, but nothing I wrote from that time makes any sense today. I had to go to meetings with different medical people and had to pump my breasts to give her milk that was poured down a tube to her stomach, because she didn’t have the strength to nurse. At first, I hade nothing to write with, no paper to write on. My husband, who had no understanding of what I was going through, would not buy me a note pad.
Afterwards the memory of everything we went through is still very clear, but I can’t put an exact date on anything other than the operation and her emergency -christening the evening before.
Yes, in a way, I celebrate my daughter’s survival. To myself, my own way. Maybe that’s why I use her face so much on my blog. I am still amazed that she’s here.
Wishing you the very best,
Christina Wigren
Wow, Stacie! You certainly have every reason to celebrate that beautiful little girl. ((hugs))
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Have a Great Day!!!
My what a touching story, and a miracle. My own baby boy had that same birth defect and as I was reading your post, I started to get those feelings again. My little guy gave up the fight at 9 mos old in 1992, and I know that he is heaven. God Bless.
Oh Netta, I am so sorry! Reading your comment brought tears to my eyes.
Sometimes I forget how lucky we are. I am truly sorry about your little boy.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I tried to leave you a comment yesterday, but my computer decided to act up. I can’t imagine what that was like to go through. I think it is great that you celebrate each year. Hugs.
omg this post teared me up. your daughter is so beautiful and you’re a great mom!
Take that guilt you feel and tell it to shove it! You have a beautiful daughter (who loves Dora!) and a beautiful family. NO ONE does everything perfect…I don’t care what they try to tell you. Guilt has a tendency to leave people helpless…careful of that feeling.
I was so excited to meet you at Type A! Your daughter was an angel, and I would have never known she had any problems when she was younger. My cousin had something very similar when she was a baby. They fixed it the same way and today she is superwoman. You’re a good mom…remember that!
Hi
Loved your post so glad everything has turned out fine for you and your family. I think the unknown is always scary my dad had a quadruple bypass last year and that was scary !!! My daughter was in and out of hospital as a little one too and as a mum you just want to trade places with them so they dont get hurt,scared,frightened and as an adult you never feel more helpless. Hug your children and tell them you love them everyday.
Oh my goodness! I am so happy for you that everything turned out good. She is such a little beauty! Congrats on a good outcome, a beautiful daughter and family and many years of healthy happiness! (((hugs)))
Wow, you would never know looking at her now that she was a sick baby! Don’t blame yourself sweetie , there are things in life that we can’t control.I think you area awesome and celebrating each year is a great thing! Happy Heart Day !
Thank you for sharing this story, and that would definitely be a day to celebrate. She looks so healthy and happy now, you would never know just by looking at her, what a strong girl!
What a wonderful thing to celebrate! My little girl has multiple tiny holes in her heart but they don;t think they will have to operate. She has 2 cardiologist appointments every year that make me nervous every time. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt! Now following from MBC btw!
I couldn’t imagine what you went through. I’m so glad you get to celebrate!
Wow, it is so cool that she is 2 and you can tell this happy story!
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What a beautiful miracle of a little girl you have. I’m so happy to hear that her surgery was successful and that she is free of machines. I also have a 5 year old who has had two surgeries under her belt already. I know how you feel when you watch your child suffer with these disabilities and they are forced to go through surgery. It’s heart breaking. Thanks for sharing you wonderful story.
What a great post.
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what an absolutely wonderful reason to celebrate!
Happy Heart Day to your beautiful little lady.
My little man’s heart day is fast approaching too, we will be celebrating 7 happy years. He has had further surgery in that time, but none as major as that first time. Unfortunately we face more surgery some time soon, but we are just happy he is doing so well for the time being, thats all that is important right now.
What a wonderful story of your little darling. This is a blessing and indeed a miracle! Celebrate each day and each year with her together with your family
Wow! That was one of the best stories I have read in a while. I am so proud of you for even recognizing what the guilt was doing to you. That is the first step in releasing ourselves from the negative feelings that often hurt us the most and many of us can’t even do that. You overcame your fears and next time, you will probably do even better. Life is progress, not perfection.
Thank you for sharing this. My daughter was falsely tested positive for a disease a few months ago and since then I have had a new appreciation for health and how precious it is.
She is certainly beautiful and a reason to celebrate!
trisha
I could only imagine what you went through Mama! She is such a cutie pie!
What a scary thing to go through. I am glad she is doing well now.
What an amazing thing to celebrate! So glad she is healthy and happy! And you really shouldn’t blame yourself for anything, I’m sure you’re an amazing momma!
I know exactly how you feel. I had a young cousin who underwent open heart surgery several times when she was younger due to the three holes that she had in her heart. It was heartbreaking for the entire family, but she is 16 years old and is happy and healthy. You are blessed and your baby girls is beautiful.
Take care,
Shynea
I can only imagine what that must have been like. What a great celebration post! She is beautiful!
omgosh, I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad she made it through. She’s absolutely adorable!
She is so strong. Stronger than most. I would celebrate too. She looks great. Cherish her!
Awe! Happy heart day! I can’t imagine!! Here’s to many many more heart days to come!! xoxo, Sarah
That is great that you celebrate it every year. You shouldn’t feel guilty about her condition though. God Bless your daughter and wish you the best!
You must be so strong, what a wonderful way to celebrate!
What a wonderful heartwarming story
I’m crying reading this post. Glad to see that she’s healthy and all turned out ok. I could never imagine the thoughts that played through your head that day.
SHe is beautiful and deserves every Happy Heart day celebration Beautiful cake
It’s so touching, she is really God’s gift. Happy Haert day. God bless.
Thank you for sharing this story. It has made me moregrateful for the health of my own children. I am so happy for you and your family that everything has ended well. She is beautiful! Happy Heart Day(everyday!!!)
Continued blessings to your family. Your little girl is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. As I read your story a song came to mind…”Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder. I am overjoyed your little girl is doing well and enjoying her coo-coo’s. Much Love!
She is such a strong little girl and so beautiful. I can’t imagine what you have gone through, but I am so glad that everything has turned out so well. It is definitely a day worth celebrating!
Happy Heart Day to you! Definitely a cause of celebration that open hear surgery was a success for your beautiful little girl!
Happy Heart Day! (although I do believe it’s belated) As a fellow heart mom I know what you’re going through and although my son passed away before he finished with all his surgeries to correct his heart condition I know many families who celebrate the birthday of their fixed hearts.
Aura,
I have tears my eyes writing this because I know how truly lucky we are. I am so sorry about your son.
Stacie