ORIGINALLY POSTED ON AUGUST 2, 2009
It was on this day two years ago, that my youngest child went under the knife. Laurel, now two, had open heart surgery to correct a heart defect that she was born with called Tetralogy of Fallot.
The second that she was rolled into surgery, I felt as if my own heart was ripped out of my body. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t imagine my life without this four month old being who I had become so connected with. I would have given her my heart in a second if it would have made a difference.
There was not enough Valium, Xanax or anything else that my doctor’s tried to give me that could prepare me for the actual day of surgery. I am a fairly optimistic person. I pride myself on being able to see the bright side of most situations.
On this day, two years ago, there was no bright side. No silver lining. No sun. No new day. There was nothing. I was trapped in time for several hours where all I could hear were my own negative thoughts. Where I could only relive my own worst fears over and over and over.
This is the first anniversary of Laurel's heart surgery in 2008.
I felt feel responsible for her heart defect. I always have. I cannot help but think that if I had done something different during my pregnancy, anything different, that my daughter would have been born without this hole in her heart. Without this defect that put her under the knife and at risk to lose her life. I could be responsible for the death of my beautiful child.
Guilt is a horrible, mind numbing, time consuming thing that can take over your life. I know because it happened to me.
My daughter came out of surgery and did very well. She ended up not eating so I spent three weeks in the hospital with her after that but that was a minor setback in the whole scheme of things.
But it was the day after my daughter’s surgery that I made a promise to myself. Rather than focus on the surgery itself, I would revel in the day. This was the day that changed her life. The day where she no longer had to be hooked up to machines 24/7 at our house. The day where she became free. I became free as much as I could from the guilt.
Every year on the date of her surgery we celebrate. We celebrate the strength of this beautiful little girl. We celebrate the amazing doctors and nurses who we could NEVER EVER thank enough. We celebrate our complete family and we celebrate each other.
So happy heart day everyone! This is a big day for us. Our entire family.
This year we celebrated by making a cookie cake.
Laurel had to pose after she heard the camera come out.
Mommy Felt Better After She Made Everyone Put on Their Cooking Aprons
The Finished Product. Frosted Cookie Cake Complete Topped With Heart Cookies. Corny? Yes But It Gave The Kids A Chance To Put Sprinkles On Something!
Laurel Had to Strip Down After Her Second Piece of Cookie Cake. She Loves Cookies or "Coo Coo's as She Calls Cookies."
I wrote this post on August 2nd which was the actual day of the celebration and for some reason it stayed as a draft. I am not sure why but I still wanted to share our wonderful day and the reason we celebrate.
About Stacie
Oh wow, what a story! Glad to see you had a happy heart day. And thanks for visiting my blog.
Wow! I am so glad you have a heart day to celebrate. Happy, happy heart day. You have a beautiful family and I hope every moment that passes you’ll feel the guilt less and less.
Happy Heart Day. I praise God for your family.
Oh wow. What an amazing story.
What a wonderful story. I lost a baby at 20 weeks pregnant due to a birth defect and so I know the whole guilty scenario wondering what I did wrong. I am so glad yours had a happy ending.
An amazing story. The first picture was a bit shocking but she looks really healthy and happy now.
Happy Heart Day! What a great way to celebrate such a precious life
A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~
I gave you a blog award. You can find it here:
http://ridingwithjessica.blogspot.com/2009/10/best-blog-award.html
So glad that you posted this. What an amazingly difficult experience that must have been for everyone in your family but somehow nothing like what it is for a mom. So glad that everything is going so well for the little pumpkin. She’s adorable and just glows like I’m sure you do when you look at her. A belatd congrats on her heart day!
What a great and wonderful blessing you received two years ago! Congratulations, and HAPPY HEARTS day to you, your daughter, and the whole family
I cannot imagine what it was like to sit through that surgery. It’s so true what they say about once you’re a mother, you go around with your heart outside your body.
I love that you celebrate that day each year (and that each day is a gift). Fabulous post. Adorable kids
Enjoy your SITS Day!
Happy Heart Day indeed! Of course you celebrate with cake. Is there any other way? And Happy SITS Day, too!
Enjoy the comment love today,
Hanneke
That is awesome that she is all better, and no longer hooked up to machines. Love that you celebrate that day each year.
It is always scary when ones children go under the knife. But heart surgery is a different story, because that can go another way…I’m so glad it turned out well and your outlook on that day is a positive one.
She’s so beautiful. I love reading a happy ending. Kids – it’s the most vulnerable thing when they are sick. A friend of mine has a son with a heart defect. He just turned four and he’s doing great so I get it a little bit about appreciating each day.
I’ve been more or less blessed concerning the health of my children, but I have worked closely with orphans who have died and have also recently miscarried at 15 weeks so I’m sensitive to these issues.
Anyway – I’m rambling but I’m glad your daughter has a happy heart day!!
(visiting from SITS)
You are so very blessed! Your daughter is beautiful. Thank God that she recovered completely. What a wonderful reason to celebrate!!
I can’t imagine having to go through a surgery with my son. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story with us. I’m so glad that everyone is doing well!
Yes! Keep celebrating not just your daughter’s strength but the entire family’s. What a joy!
Your post was very touching and you are very amazing. My daughter had surgery at 8 weeks old for an inguinal hernia and though it was no where near what you went through, as I read your blog it certainly brought back memories for me.
Hannah